Saturday, November 27, 2010

Camping with Friends

My husband and I regularly go camping with several other couples. There is usually drinking going on throughout the day.

The wife of one of the other couples seems to pay a great deal of attention to my husband. Recently, we were sitting on the sand together, and "Colette" sat down in front of me and, ahem, lost her balance. She put her hand on my husband's thigh to steady herself and left it there for approximately an hour.

Colette hangs around him a lot and is clingy. When I mentioned her behavior to my husband, he said I was overreacting and that she was just drunk. He claims she is the touchy-feely sort with everyone. But I don't see her doing it with anyone else.

I think Colette is crossing the line, and it's causing some problems between my husband and me. Should I be concerned or just let it roll?

— Wondering Wife

Jamie Says: I think the most important question here (that you so negligently forgot to answer) is: Are you hotter than Colette? If the answer is yes, then there's no problem here. You're obviously very insecure and the only way to fix that is to make other women feel as insecure as you do. Wear revealing outfits when you're around her and make remarks like, "Oh, Colette, you have such wonderful sense of style. I wish we were the same size so we could trade clothes." or, "I wish I knew how to put on makeup like you, Colette, it makes you look so much younger than you are."

If the answer is no, then I'm sorry to tell you that you're just going to have to suck it up. Colette's obviously a hobag, but you can't let your husband know that her hobaggery is bothering you. Quit hounding him. You sound like a real bitch to be around, and if there's a more attractive option on the table, your personality really has make up for your lack of physical prowess. Your husband is most likely innocent enough at this point, but if you start complaining about Colette's drunken slut maneuvers (which he probably enjoys), he's just going to start thinking that you're an insecure nag with a pole up your butt (even if you are, it's very important that you pretend that you're not. Seriously, am I the only one who knows how to hide their flaws properly? Because it really feels like I am). While you're nag-nag-naggin, he'll start thinking about how Colette probably wouldn't nag him, Colette's not the jealous type, Colette probably would like it when he clips his toenails in bed. And then, Wifey, that's when the terrorists and hobags have won.

John says: I think the biggest problem here, is how you spend your time at these drunken frolics in the woods with friends. Instead of worrying about the whereabouts of Colette's hand, why don't you try drinking a few wine spritzers and slutting it up for your husband. He clearly likes the attention this other woman is giving him, so why don't you get off of your whiny high horse and out do her. The honeymoon may be over, but that doesn't mean your duties are finished. Give him a quickie behind a tree or something. Do literally anything other than keep tabs on Colette. If all else fails and she is hotter, more fun, more outgoing, less of a drag than you are, (Which, let's face it, is probably the case.) then it's up to you as the wife to take the initiative and invite Colette back to the tent, and the three of you can ride the Oregon Trail until the sun comes up. Everybody wins. Well, except Colette's husband, but fuck him, he didn't write the letter.

Jamie Says: I retract most of my answer. You're right. All that's really needed here is an "old fashioned" behind a tree.